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We all have at least one of "those songs"...

The song that has such significance to you

that it stops you in your tracks when you hear it.

Maybe it brings tears to your eyes.

Maybe pain.

Maybe joy.

Maybe memories that overwhelm you until you find yourself in a different place, in a different time.

Music has a way of reaching a little deeper than other things that influence our lives.

I am tackling a subject that I've been struggling with.

Musical worship.

For everyone who knows me, that might be surprising because I am a worshipper. I have always found joy in music - in playing instruments, writing music, singing and also studying and teaching my children music.

Joy in dancing and enjoying every heartbeat of a song.

My 2 full-ride scholarships for College were both granted from my studies of and contributions to the art of music.

For the first time in my life, I have found it extremely hard to come back to a place where I felt I could worship and enjoy music of any kind.

That's not to say I haven't struggled previously.

When I found out I lost two babies in-between the two incredible blessings I have now, I struggled to worship each time. But I believe this is the longest duration of time in which I struggled so intensely.

Other times in my life, there were instances when I had trouble accepting and enjoying music, praise and worship.

And there are definitely moments when silence is more healing than filling our ears with words, chords and melodies.

All truth here in this blog -

as I said before, too many people try to avoid any hard, harsh or painful reality that would reflect badly on them.

We can't help one another if we're not honest.

Our light can't shine completely if we're putting up curtains, however pretty they may be,

and trying to "display and portray"

rather than "pray, convey, and lead the way".

So, I'm going to honestly tell you that I have been struggling. The last time I enjoyed any type of music was the day before Mother's Day, May 13th.

I was taking a drive with my husband and we were driving simply to drive and worship. We listened to The Gaithers a lot because he loved them. He raised his hands and he sang after a while (he was battling many things and it was evident that these songs and the drive time were liberating to him). I sang with him and especially enjoyed watching him praise.

For a short couple of hours, my husband was back - resting in worship from the battle the enemy was afflicting on him.

I know from experience that music can be healing and I was thankful that it was that for him in that moment.

Side note: Worship doesn't have to be musical. There are many ways to worship. But, in this case, I am speaking of the musical form of praise.

Since this battle arose in my life, on Mother's Day, I have not felt able to listen to music and have kept my radio off. I did not want my teens to play music. I came to Church and lifted my hands often, in an attempt to reach and surrender and thank the Lord for His presence and strength. But I struggled to sing. A few times, I sang a couple lines, but often in tears and ending in the inability to finish those lines.

In the last few weeks, however, I have begun swaying to the music. Still lifting my hands. Going from moving my lips for a few lines of each song to actually singing more than half a song.

The first time I "caught myself" singing, there was no music playing. I was driving to work. I had finished a Bible teaching (I had begun listening to online preaching - one after another, many different teachers - since I was no longer listening to worship).

The preaching was done. It was silent in the vehicle. This was a new state of normalcy for me since Mother's Day. Silence or words but no music.

I heard singing. It took me a minute to realize that it was coming from me. I was actually so surprised that I texted a long time, life-friend immediately to tell them that I caught myself singing, admitting how shocked I was.

It was a verse and a chorus from "Goodness of God", sung by CeCe Winans. (Yes - listen to that please.)

Since that moment, I have slowly begun to sing some.

I admit that it isn't pretty. Sometimes I can't make it past a few lines. I haven't been able to play the radio yet.

But I can tell you that it's raw, honest worship from someone who temporarily displaced the real reason we worship.

And, with each song (or partial song), I realized that I had allowed the battle to deprive me of praise.

As I was reflecting and praying about this, I definitely had a humbling moment.

I had an overwhelming moment of comprehension. (Imagine a lightbulb going on.)

Although I was worshipping in my heart, in silence, I wasn't worshipping in the way that I once was and in the way that I best did.

This was my reality:

Worship is about God and not about me.

It's humbling to realize the faulted state I was in by allowing my sadness and depression to keep me from singing and worshiping.

In my humanness, I let my feelings override a full 100% commitment and dedication to my Lord God, Who is my first Love and deserves constant praise and adoration.

I asked God's forgiveness and am working on getting back to praising and worshiping Him in the ways that He has given me to do so.

I know it is right to worship

and I know that I have countless reasons praise His Name.

Without Him, I would be nothing.

Without Him, I wouldn't be here.


"Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth!

Serve the Lord with gladness!

Come into His presence with singing!

Know that the Lord, He is God!

It is He who made us, and we are His;

we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving,

and His courts with praise!

Give thanks to Him; bless His name!

For the Lord is good;

His steadfast love endures forever,

and His faithfulness to all generations."

I have no reason to alter my worship.

The heaviness of a heart is an oppressive tool of the enemy.

The mind-boggling brokenness of humanity is the result of the depravity of sin entering the world and the ensnaring of innocence. So easily, we become entangled.

Lord, allow me to bring my praise to You as I have in the past. Allow me to get back to the place where I find joy in the praise of worship music on my radio. Allow me to overcome the hindrance of sadness that separates my heart from the way You have always ministered to me and healed me.

Thank You, Lord, for Your patience. I know You are a jealous God, and my praise goes to no other.

Forgive me when I fail or succumb to the weight of this world over the freedom You granted me.

Lord, let me dance again. Let me sing again with the joy I once had. Let me get back to the place where I can listen to music again. Find me willing, Lord, and help me.

Colossians 3:16-17,

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

John 4:23-24,

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.

God is spirit, and His worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth."

Psalm 145:2-3,

"Every day I will bless You

and praise Your name forever and ever.

Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,

and His greatness is unsearchable."

Let us continue to pray for each other.

Praise be to the Lord God.

Sarah Jane

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2 commentaires

09 août 2023

Thank you, sweet friend! We know how David praised in so many Psalms, yet he struggled too. He wasn't shy in sharing his laments. I love that we have both his words of joyous praise as well as deep sorrow when his heart was troubled. We can find and read prayers for both the mountains as well as the valleys.


07 août 2023

Your words are beautiful and healing!!!! What a great lesson on not letting the trials of life keep us from worship and prayer!

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